It was a last minute idea to have faculty and staff members talk with my junior Symbols and Ethics classes about marriage, but it worked out really well. Students AND faculty/staff members seemed to enjoy and benefit from the time spent talking about who they married, why they married, and how it has all played out.
Each class had at least three speakers. These were the brave souls who accepted the invitation (keep in mind – I’ll be looking for more guests next fall 😉😊): Ms. Jain, Mr. Cushing, Ms. Orr, Ms. Almonte, Ms. Chaponot, Mr. Navarro, Mr. Chaffey, Ms. Reinwald, Mr. Ward, and Ms. Schooler. It was nice because there was a wide variety of people and experiences: soon to be married, married with kids, married early, married late, divorced and not married again (yet), divorced and remarried, married in the Catholic Church, civil marriages, and so on.
Here are some of the questions students wanted answers to:
-
how do you keep the spark alive?
-
how do you know he/she is the right one?
-
what if you have a big tragedy? can you get beyond it?
-
what does your marriage mean to you?
-
why marry in the catholic church? would your marriage be different if you weren’t married in the church?
-
what if you waited to have sex before marriage and it’s not that great (exact words)
-
does God want us to get married?
-
when did the feeling of love go? or wasn’t as strong – I want to know when the ‘work’ of wanting to be with that person started?
-
what the most important things that can keep a marriage together?
-
what is love?
-
why bother marrying if you lose so much when you get divorced
-
how do you trust someone for years without overthinking it?
-
did you get a prenup?
-
do you still laugh together?
-
aren’t you scared your husband/wife will die?
-
how important are affection and sex?
-
do you pray together? would it matter?
-
how much of it is just kind of like a business?
-
what if you realize you just can’t live together? but then your kids are going to be screwed up?
-
do you get bored with your partner? cuz I do after a month …
-
a christian marrying a non christian?
-
how in the world do you deal with kids all the time? what if you have different ways of bringing up kids?
-
what do you do after a huge fight?
-
did you get married too early? late?
-
how often do you fight?
-
am I going to hell if I get divorced?
-
what happens if you start to think your husband is ugly? (exact words)
-
did you wait to have sex till marriage?
-
is marriage really about God?
The ice was broken by each teacher saying how they met their spouse and got engaged – of course everyone oohed and aahed. After that I let each teacher address any question they felt called to. I was genuinely delighted by my colleagues’ ability to be open and honest and wise and descriptive and funny about the most intimate relationship they have (had). The students were mesmerized by their teachers lives. I could tell they felt privileged … they knew they were getting the gift of a glimpse into love stories – real love stories – not stories on Netflix or reality tv. As the forty-five minutes progressed, there were a few moments of awkwardness, but then a student would raise their hand or one of the adults felt called to share a valuable insight. I was struck by how the three adults really complimented one another – effortlessly picking up on a core issue and adding their own anecdote. They also elegantly attended to some of the questions about sex (which inevitably come up 😅), by telling stories about quality time together, how relationships evolve, and the importance of communication.
Common themes that surfaced:
-
showing up as the real you – not sending in a representative of you who is more attractive and has it all together – being, knowing, and loving yourself
-
the importance of devoting quality time to your spouse and not just “the family”
-
this “thing” about committing yourself to another human unconditionally … and how God gives us the grace to to that
-
turning the page after a fight, but being sure to address issues that are deep seated
-
the reality of daily logistical frustrations
-
how blessed each of the adults feel to have experienced love and loss, acceptance and renewal, joy and laughter
For myself and my students it took some time to digest the experience. When asked a few days later what the “take-away” was, I received answers like: “we got to see them as people” … “I liked that they didn’t sugar coat it” … and “it was just good to hear them talk about how it takes work but it’s worth it”. One response that made me sad was: “we got to hear from people who actually love the person they’re married to”😔.
I’m grateful to the teachers who participated in this lesson aimed at fleshing out the sacrament of matrimony. It was the perfect compliment to textbook reading and “Busted Halo” videos on the sanctity of marriage. The word sacrament means “‘mystery’ – and if marriage isn’t that, I don’t know what is!!! Ultimately, the message I hoped would be conveyed was indeed – one of tenderness, seeing the big picture of marriage, and true love – grounded in God’s love for each one of us. Next semester I’m thinking about having guest speakers for other sacraments as well – wouldn’t it be great to hear stories about Reconciliation? Eucharist? I hope many of you will consider joining us! Peace, Martina